CHAIRMAN BEATTY: I am pleased to call to order the seventeenth annual executive board meeting for Star Media. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everybody for coming, let's hope we get things done as smoothly as we did last year. If you do not know any members of the board, permit me to present them.
On my far right is Mr. Mark McCrimmon who is the Executive Director for the 'Donors' department; Mark will be expanding on what's scaring the old people of this great nation a little later, shedding light on insurance adverts and the technicalities of simplicity.
Then Laura Hart of the 'Nurturers' department, she's new, we're still not quite sure about her yet, but hopefully her reports will match the excellent standards set by her coffee making. Laura specialises in day-time television.
To her left, Robert Salter of the United States Central Intelligence Agency, he's here to oversee the proceedings.
David Berger from the 'Crawlers' department, who'll be telling us which toys our children think are 'cool', he also specialises in sports, and wrote the currently best-selling novel, 'Marketing to the Under-8's: It's childsplay!'
Martin Driscoll of the 'Fledglings' department has the unenviable task of assessing the teenage market, from the ages of nine through to twenty-five.
John Devinney of the 'Revolters' department then to Martin's left, who will be reporting back to us the state of current 'alternative' leftists and their consuming patterns.
The figures certainly speak for themselves, if you haven't read the briefs from Paul Friesen who is unable to join us today, take my word for it, the future is bright for Star Media. We have delivered another year of positive financial results, this year total revenues increased by 15% over the twelve-month period, to $14.6 billion, whilst our total costs fell by 6% to $2.2 billion, generating a $12.4 billion profit. My friends, you can all take comfort in knowing that's two billion dollars more than America's Gross Domestic Product. As we all know, I cannot take all of the credit for this remarkable achievement. Without you to expertly assess the potential market, and without the Central Intelligence Agency constantly relaying data about the populous to our departments, Star Media would never have shone as brightly as it does today. Without you, my dreams could never have been realised as they have now, 'Oversight' was just a baby, but you nurtured it into the beast it has now become. From the very bottom of my heart, I say to you all; thank you. The people of this land belong to the good people sitting around this table right now, every single age group in the country has been caught up in our net and we, the proverbial fishermen, can be proud of our haul.
If I may begin by turning to my colleague Mr. David Berger, I assume whoopee cushions no longer cut the cheese with today's child?
DAVID BERGER: That's absolutely right Max, we've persuaded today's children that whoopee cushions, yo-yos, milk caps and even Pokémon just aren't fun enough anymore. What do all kids want to be when they grow up? It doesn't matter, what matters is that they all keep wanting to grow up. Things were tough at the start of the year, the fashion industry went through a tragic dry patch in make-up sales after Rejina went 'Au Naturel', and I remember when all of the departments here received an internal memo, asking us to help out. We thought about it at 'Crawlers', and we reached a simple conclusion: we had to teach the kids how to be consumers, while ensuring our own security for the future. So we invented 'Slutz', a group of go-getting, fashionable and sexy whores for the under-8 female market. 'Slutz' love chatting on their mobile telephone, putting on their make-up and shopping out in the mall, but most importantly, they love to fuck. Each 'Slut' comes built in with three 'sex moves', the more 'sex moves' you collect, the the higher your 'Moneypot' rating.
Let me put it to you this way, when this country's little girls saw older, prettier girls playing with these little pieces of plastic on TV, I got a phone call from no less than ten make-up companies, six fashion designers and countless toy stores, thanking me. Those are just the short term benefits. Estimates gathered over the past two financial quarters have shown pregnancy in the under 8s to be on the rise, and by the time these girls hit 10, their kids are going to be playing with the newer, more extreme version of 'slutz': 'Rapwhorez'. Due to Star's strong ethical code of conduct, Star Pharmaceuticals recently teamed up with various church ministers, and it has been concluded by both parties that contraceptives aren't to be sold to minors. After implementing this policy, we have established stronger links in the church, and the little girls are screwing without protection. The cycle continues gentlemen, and we continue to protect our investments.
As far as Little Jimmy goes, we've got him cornered too. The sports market is thriving, and with more sport TV channels reaching the nation than ever before, more boys are dreaming of becoming their idols. You see, we've taken the finest athletic specimens of our society, and put them out there, making them look like adonises, like warriors, like everything Little Jimmy's wanted to be. It's not even just Little Jimmy who gets caught up in this, guys of all ages see an athelete on their screens, and they all wish that they could look like that guy. But they can't be fucked to put in the work, so instead, they just surround themselves with the same nametags as their heroes, and hope that nobody will be able to tell the difference. We change team colours every season for a reason, and it's not because we're fickle. We've been in negotiations with the country's richest teams, and next season, they'll be wearing a new range of 'Invisi-shirts'. The great part is, 'Invisi-shirts' cost the same to buy as the old shirts, but they're physically just a label. The kids get the label, featuring whichever company bids highest for it, and they stick it to themselves, paying us 70 bucks for the privelige. We're hoping to cut our overheards by 5% next year.
Younger boys who don't like sport all seem to make up for it by snatching up our latest games console, the 'Game Brick', on almost a yearly basis, plus say, a conservative four games per year. That's almost 400 dollars a pop, every year. Fortunately, Max stopped running adverts for new books on television, which meant book sales plummeted. However, we must take the rough with the smooth, and as a result of Max's actions, the sales of computer games has almost tripled. Recent estimates from The Exclaimer show that six in ten boys between the ages of 2 and 8 become physically scared if they're not within a 10 feet radius of a football or a 'Game Brick' control pad; fear of the unknown, once again, is one of our closest allies in the war on public accumulation. Because of Max's shrewd business logic, little kids today have honestly got nothing better to do than give us money.
CHAIRMAN BEATTY: Thankyou for that report David, there's nothing more comforting than a well protected investment. Now, if we may turn the proceedings to Mr. Mark McCrimmon of 'Fledglings', Mark, I trust those wild young teenagers are still towing the line for Star Media?
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This is a take on the idea that the world is controlled by one board room of people, and is inspired by Rupert Murdoch.
8 years old pregnancy?
I think I love you.
=] Very, very nice. I highly enjoyed this. I often imagine that this is what the manufactures really do during their company-summits.
hahaha.. the Bratz parody or whatever it is is priceless.. the world is so sad. This pretty much sums everything up.
man i absolutely love this! its so true (sorry if this isnt a very intelligent comment, i'm not the best with words)